She told me that I have problems with abandonment. Of course I fought her on it. She wasn’t my therapist, and I was sure she was projecting. But she proceeded to explain. I listened, unintently at first, but I listened. She talked about how losing her father and brother years ago causes her to feel some abandonment. Then I listened more intently. I rejected her notion because I didn’t want to admit having any issues relating to losing a relationship, but processed differently when I thought of all the people and relatives who had transitioned.
When it comes to death, my family saw its fair share earlier in my life. Family, friends, grandparents. My aunt Dorothy, cousin Darryl, my favorite PE teacher, and many more. Including the loss of my father right after I graduated college. If you include the relatives who went to prison, the list of people who disappeared in my life added up.
2021 offered no reprieve. I lost 10 people closely connected to me, including 5 uncles from the same side, and my nephew. I’ve tried my best to deal with these losses in a healthy way, but I admit that constant death causes me to live a little detached. I just know that people aren’t permenent.
I’ve also dealt with the loss of a really strong relationship; one I would have believed at the time was going the distance. And beyond losing the relationship, having to deal with a communicated story that somewhat villafied me in ways I would have never expected. Regardless my love drives me to want close and quiet resolve, if ever possible.
When writing this song I wanted to reflect on my true feelings about losing people in my life and to connect with how others may have felt about their losses. I watched from a far the grieving process of my close brother and sister over the double transition of their child and I learned as they took loves approach to grief. They chose to see the grief they feel as love and they prioritized finding ways to express that love to their lost baby girl. I see so much value in this and I’m clinging to the approach as well.
I’m honest when I say that I still love everyone I’ve lost. I have a genuine appreciation for the life I was able to share with them, and I appreciate them; those lost to death and those lost to change, even through the toughest scenarios, it’s really all love. My most diffucult thing though is the pain I feel in my heart for those who’ve lost their children. My heart sits in a special place for Shakia, Felicia, Tiffany, Cristin, and my Sister Kim. Though this song addresses the idea of abandonment, it prioritizes the notion that love is the real expression and it shows up in the absence of present and visible love when we need it most.
This song is written with pain and love. With grief and acceptance. With difficulty and with ease. The duality of this piece, is that one may look at these feelings from the perspective of abandonment, while others may see it as love expressed through grief. My truth is that I still remeber their presence. I remember the best of them. I can still see their smiles and shared moments of joy and laughter. My memory doesn’t hold on to much else.
I’m giving special love to my sister, for giving me permission to write this. I love you Sis. I’m sorry you’re going through this. And to my cousin Shakia, who let out one of the deepest unforgettable sounds when she lost her baby. My heart is forever with you. I know y’all still love your babies and that you still feel their Love within you.
To Kim, thanks for sharing this picture of Raheem’ with us.
“Still “ aka Abandonment won’t make my new album because it’s energy is to heavy to fit, but it still needed to be released.
click here to purchase/download the song.
